Random Stupid Candy Post

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As though the title is not warning enough, I have to say if you are looking for a serious post on the joys or trials of our daily lives, today you will be sadly disappointed. Today’s post is not another of my inane and rhyming poems about life with trachs or reconstructive surgery- it is about M&Ms. I kinda feel like M&Ms are one of the greatest candies out there- no matter your taste preferences, desire for milk or dark chocolate, plain or filled, you can find what you want in M&Ms. You can open a bag and eat it through to the bottom, reach in and just pull out a couple, or fill your hand and leave the bowl. With children (if you’re inclined to share) there are colors to sort, crafts to make, counting which can be done.

Now here’s the part where the true me shines through. Keep in mind, you are here because you were invited, YOU are within the inner circle… you REALLY should KNOW this stuff about me: I eat M&Ms in a highly structured, ritualized manner. I adhere to strict rules and have been known to dispose of this beautiful candy when pieces or amounts do not conform. Here goes:

I eat M&Ms in even numbers. I cannot eat 1 or 3 or 7 M&Ms. If you are my friend and offer to share M&Ms with me, prepare yourself to provide an even number. If I am eating M&Ms and there is an odd number, I will offer any remainder to you- and perhaps some other even grouping along with it so as not to appear TOO ODD… If you choose NOT to accept my offer, I will promptly throw the lone offender into the trash or onto the ground where it may later attract one of our numerous younglings or some other vermin. I guess what I am saying is: say ‘no’ at your own risk!

When eating M&Ms, I prefer to pop them into my mouth 2×2, making sure not to ingest 2 of the same color at the same time. I have no rules about color combinations- red may be eaten with brown, yellow with blue, but sometimes I will organize so that I don’t eat the next one of the same color prior to eating one of all available colors in my hand- unless, of course, that would leave me with 2 of the same color in the end… Broken M&Ms are not eaten- nor “smidges” – the tiny misshapen drops of candy coating that are sometimes within. You may be surprised to know that a bag of M&Ms typically has an even number of candies within it.

At any rate, with all the things that are beyond my control in my day-to-day life, my M&M ritual brings sanity and predictability and control back to my side of the table. You all may think I am warped, that I have sucked the fun out of a one-time enjoyable candy for you. I challenge you to check out the way YOU eat M&Ms- odds are, it’s more predictable than you think…

What are your food rituals?

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